主の十字架クリスチャンセンター東京アンテオケ教会

It was 1975.  I was very depressed.  You may be wondering why someone who is married to a famous astronaut and being blessed with two children suffers depression.  I was very unhappy however and thinking of committing suicide.  The reason was my dream did not come true.

You too have some kind of dreams in your lives, Charlie’s dream was becoming an astronaut and going to the moon.  He achieved his dream.  My dream in life was being a Cinderella. It all started really when I was a young girl.  I was going to find my Prince Charming and we were going to live happily ever after and he was going to fulfill all of my needs.  When Charlie asked to marry, I said “I’m going to put you first in my life.  Will you put me first in your life?”  He said that he would, and so I married him and we went on the honeymoon.  As soon as we got back from the honeymoon things began to get unglued.  Well, it was because I realized that I was not first in his life. Now he could focus on his career.

And he did.

I felt really left out.  I saw that the career was more important to him than I was.  And this disappointed me but I thought, “Well, I’ll get him to love me the way I want to be loved.”  So I began to court him again, over the next twelve years, really, to try to get him to love me the way I wanted to be loved, but his career and playing golf were more important to him than I was.  

I thought, “Well, now once he becomes an astronaut and he goes to the moon, then when he gets back- we’ll be able to work on our marriage and we’ll have the kind of marriage I want to have.”  So I looked forward to the flight being over and I was excited for him and I was really proud of him and tried to get involved with the flight as much as I could.   I went to Florida with our two sons to see the spaceship launch.    

And we went to Huston, we actually saw him walk on the moon through NASA’s control room.  I had no fear of the mission, I was confident he would go there safely and then get back. 

I was really looking for it to be over and he came back and I realized he hadn’t changed.  He still had this workaholic impulse, he still wanted other goals and other challenges, and I was still down the list.  And that was when I began to think of divorce.  And then I thought, well maybe I should get married with another man who loves me the way I want to be loved.  But then I thought, maybe there‘s not another man out there that really will love me the way I want to be loved.  Maybe there’s no such thing as this perfect marriage.  And so then I began to look to other things to find fulfillment in life.

Why am I here?  What would give me purpose and love in life?  I tried to find the answer for what I was looking for.  I tried a career and I got a job with a travel agency and traveled a great deal.  But this didn’t bring me love, not the love that I was looking for and the real purpose in life I was looking for.  I tried social work.  Head Start, a program in our county and a lot of working with needy in our county and many other things, but again, they didn’t bring me the love that I was looking for.

They weren’t the answer that I was looking for.  I read philosophy books but those books did not give me love and fulfillment.  And then I began to think, “Well then, maybe there is no purpose in life.  Maybe we just live and die and that’s all there is.  And life is so painful that I really don’t want to live any longer.”  And that’s when I began to think of suicide.  I’d lost all hope.

Well, we were attending church all this time, always had been.  I’d gone to university, and I’d studied religions and I’d thought all religions were essentially the same.  Jesus was no different from other religious leaders.  As the years went by, I began to wonder if God even existed.  I’d never had any experience with God and people were telling me that we invented God because of our own weaknesses and own needs, that God was dead.  So I began to believe that. Continued going to church.

Well, because we continued to go to church when our church had a what they called a “spiritual renewal weekend.”  It was back in 1975. 

What it was, there were some people that came as visitors to our church that weekend and they gave testimony, which is exactly what I’m doing now.  Their testimonies were about Jesus that He is different from other religious leaders, that He is the Son of God and how He answered prayers-very specific prayers of theirs. And how He was the answer to life.  And so I wondered if what they were telling was the truth. 

I looked at them and I did see love and joy in them.  I thought, “I have tried everything else to find fulfillment and purpose in life, and I haven’t tried this.”    And so I decided to try it, to try God-the way they were saying-and see if it’s really true.  And so I prayed that weekend and my prayer was, “God, I don’t know if you’re real.  Jesus, I don’t know if you’re the Son of God.  But I’ve made a mess of my life, and I don’t want to be in charge of it any more.  And I’ll give you my life if you’re real.  If you’re not real, then I want to die.”  Well, that was my prayer. 

I woke up the next morning with a commitment: I wasn’t going to look to anywhere else for fulfillment in life.  I was going to look to God, to Jesus.  And so I began to pray.  I wondered if I pray, is He really going to answer my prayer?  I prayed a very simple, specific prayer for help around the house and the prayer was answered.  And I thought, well that’s just lucky.  And I prayed again and another prayer was answered-that was just a coincidence.  Then I prayed again and another and another and another-well, after about a month or two of answered prayers, I realized this isn’t a coincidence.  That there is a God, and He’s hearing my prayers.  And not only is He hearing He’s answering my prayers!   

Jesus really IS the Son of God.    

Well, I just couldn’t believe it, I really couldn’t believe it.  But now I know Jesus really loves me and He’s hearing my prayers and deeply cares about me.   I was just overjoyed to find out that there’s a
God who loves me and I’m not alone anymore.  My husband doesn’t love me but God loves me.   God is more important than my husband.  I began to talk to God and I talked to Him about my marriage.  And one of the first things He spoke to me-and I’ve never heard His speaking audibly but He speaks to thoughts that He puts in my mind, that are confirmed in my heart.  And God began to speak to me and He said “Dottie, you’re born again. Everything that you have done wrong is in the past-all of your sins have all been forgiven and washed clean, and you’re starting life all over again brand new.”

Well, for someone who had been depressed and had not enjoyed life, to hear that I was having a chance to start life all over again brand new was wonderful.  Jesus showed His love for me on the cross by dying for me and He forgave all of my sins.  To have a new chance in life, He said “I have forgiven you, and now for you to have a born-again marriage, then you must forgive Charlie in the same way that I have forgiven you.”

Well, I said “no” to that.  I said “no way!”  I didn’t want to forgive him.

The Lord spoke to me again.  And He said, “Dottie, I thought you had made Me your Lord.  If you have made Me your Lord, it means that you do what “I” want you to do and not what YOU want to do.”  And I did remember a scripture in the Bible that said-that spoke about those people that say “Lord, Lord.” That don’t obey the Father in heaven.  

And so I knew that was true.  How could I now call Jesus my Lord and not obey Him?  I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. 

So I agreed to do that.  So I asked God to help me.  Well, He did.  It didn’t happen overnight, but over a two month period He worked in my heart and He removed unforgiveness and He healed all the hurt and all the pain.  I know there is nothing impossible for God and He became my psychiatrist.  God took away all that pain and all that hurt and really cleansed my heart and gave me a new heart toward my husband.  He taught me that and He worked through His Spirit within me so I could forgive Charlie. Jesus told me to love Charlie.  I said, “I had been loving

Charlie.  I had been loving him more than he had been loving me.”  But God was telling me to love him UNconditionlly, to love him 100%-whether he loved me back or not.  Again I prayed and asked God to help me because humanly we can’t love that way.  But God loves us that way, and He places His Spirit in our hearts which enable us to love that way.  

To love someone isn’t just emotion or feelings, but to do something for him and also bless him.  So, Jesus told me everyday what I should do for Charlie, and what I should do to bless him.  I’m not perfect so I made mistakes, but Jesus helped me and forgave my mistakes.  Jesus forgave me and He gave me a heart to love him. 

Some of you may have someone to forgive.  Jesus is calling you to forgive.  If you decide to forgive, God will help you.  Jesus died on the cross to forgive us.  In the Lord’s prayer, He taught us to forgive.  Forgiveness is very important for our relationship with Jesus. 

Jesus showed me my sin, bitterness in my heart toward Charlie.  As I said in my story, I had put him first in my life.  God should be first in your life.  What is your first in your life?  Whatever is first in your life rather than Jesus, it will someday fail you.  Charlie is not God, I had put an impossible burden on him to fulfill my needs and to please me, only Jesus can do that.  Jesus fulfills all your needs.  Seek love in Jesus.  Seek purpose in your life in Jesus.  The Lord truly has changed my dreadful life to a joyful one.  He can do the same for you too.

We don’t believe in chances.  God led you here and you’re listening to my message now is not by chance.  God brought you here because God loves you.  God wants you to know His love, peace, and joy.  As you already know, open you heart and pray.  Receive Jesus as your Lord and the Savior.  Jesus is the answer.  God bless you.

To those who read this testimony.  Pray as follows,

“Jesus, I believe and accept You as my Savior.  I turned my back to You, forgive my sins.  Now, come into my heart.  I thank you that by Your cross eternal life is given to me. Please, lead my life, Amen.”