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Hospitalization of my husband-In fear and uneasiness
My husband was walking before me and two male nurses were holding his arms from both sides. Sometimes uneasily he turned back to see me.
I cried to my husband in my heart “I am sorry. There is no other way. I tried everything I can think of.” Then I heard “You can only be up to this.”
I stopped at the door of the secure ward as the door closed with a merciless creaking sound. I could not move away from there because I had fear and uneasy feelings that I would never be able to get him back. My husband’s supervisors said “Ma’am, please go home.” So I left there.
I could not forget my husband stared at me with uneasiness until the last moment and my heart was heavy in pain. I could not hear the supervisors comforting words. My eleven month old son was my only comfort and he supported me. When I got in the house I burst out in tears with loud crying.
It was the darkest time of my life. While I was crying I was thinking about how to die… I cried for one hour or so and then I calmed down a little, then my son said “Aah-chan.” That was the only word he could speak then. He did not cry but looked at me with concerned eyes. I looked at him and I thought, how can I die. I cannot take him with me to die!
Dear God, give me power to live
I believed Jesus as my God and was saved when I was 23 years old. I was not a seminary student but I worked at my church as a server. I had left my former church; the reason was about receiving the Holy Spirit. It had been seven years since then. Actually it was not the first time for me to think about committing suicide. I had been thinking to die quickly because I had lost the hope to live without going to a church.
My thought did not go away even after I was married. I questioned my husband and he was perplexed about being questioned “why do we live?” or “let us die together.” He was not a Christian then and his answers were “since we were born we need to live” or “as we live we can find something good some day.” I had no complaint with my husband; he was a peaceful person and kind and I had joy taking care of our new born baby, but the vain feelings assaulted me.
One day, when the suicidal feeling filled me, I thought I did not know if I could live. So then I needed to ask God for my son and prayed. Dear God, please save my son and raise my son in a church. While I was praying eagerly, my heart was changed and I realized my son needs me as a mother. Please let me raise him until he becomes 20 years old. I prayed “give me power to live” Father God in the name of Jesus.
It happened after one month, my husband was on a night shift, he became ill before his co-workers eyes and he was taken to a mental hospital. He had two hospitalizations when he was young for a neurosis. Because of that he had fear of becoming ill again and when he was working night shifts, he was not able to sleep and it actually caused him to become ill again. It might not have been so serious a stage but it was a big rocky mountain which I could overcome then.
Going back to God again
I really lost the hope to live, but though, I understood I needed to live for my son, then, Jesus showed me the Scripture. Luke chapter 15: verse 11 through 24
Just like the prodigal son repented and went back to his father in the Scripture, I too repented for and went back to Father God in heaven and Jesus. “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” Luke 15: 21. I remembered my past and I acknowledged each sin and repented for each one before God. The sun was setting and it became dark when I finished repentance but contrary to it my heart was blight and light. I never forgot the joy I received from going back to Jesus.
When I was given permission to visit my husband, the first thing I did was take a Bible to him. He received it with gladness and he said I will read it. I was able to tell from the conversation that he was not so stable yet, but I had no fear any more in my heart.
I swore to myself that even if my husband could not be discharged from the hospital, I would stay married with him. Jesus is in my life. Jesus said I am His bride (for the church is His bride and each Christian is His bride also.) I had no fear any more.
Even all that, I hesitated to attend a church. Would a church accept me? Wouldn’t they say I might cause them to be confused again?
“Why don’t you go to a church for me?”
One day, Jesus pushed me to go to a church through a word from my husband. When I visited my husband, he told me “recently, I read the Bible and I also pray”. I asked him what are you praying about?” He said that I am praying to be discharged soon and to go to a church someday. He told me “I want to go to a church but I am not able to, so why don’t you go instead of me and worship God. I was so glad to hear it, I felt like jumping in the air. I found a church closest to the hospital.
The pastor was listening to my story with compassion and he expressed his feeling. “God really accepted you just like the father accepted his prodigal son.” I did not tell him that I repented from the prodigal son story, so I felt the Lord is leading me through the pastor’s word.
I started to attend the church and I volunteered making snacks because they had a nursery school there. It took me one and a half hours to get there using two trains one way but it was a happy time. The volunteer work was preparation for me to become a teacher’s aide in April 1984.
My husband’s discharge and his salvation
Two months after he was hospitalized he was able to go out, and he came to the nursery school with me where I was helping to make snacks. The church people welcomed my husband also. Three months after the hospitalization, he was able to come home periodically. Every time when he came home I was asked to report how he was at home to the doctor. At first, I did not know what I needed to write so I wrote what he could not do at home, but I thought I should write after I pray.
I asked to the Lord about what I should write, then He told me not to write about what he could do before and could not do at the present, rather I should write about what he can do now and what he was good at on the day he came home.
When I did that, his stay at home was three days instead one day and four days, then he was discharged. He could be absent for four months from work but if it was longer than four months; he would be fired. Even though I did not know about it, I believe that the Lord gave me wisdom and He led me to help my husband so that my husband’s hospitalization would never be over four months.
The first Sunday after his discharge he worshiped God and after attending the church for a month he believed in Jesus as his God and savior and was saved. He was baptized after a year.
Give my husband to serve You
My husband was taking a tranquilizer and a sleeping pill so those medications caused him to sleep at the services. There are many positions to be filled at the church. My husband wanted to help but he smoked, drank and was on medication so he was not given a chance to serve.
In those days the Lord challenged me with the Scriptures “For nothing will be impossible with God” Luke 1: 37, “God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham.”Matthew 1:9b. Since then I started to pray for my husband every day. “Give my husband something to serve You, he is much better than a stone.”
He cannot be compared with anything else; Jesus died for my husband’s sin and He resurrected after three days. He is precious in God’s eyes. Please give him something to serve You.
As for me, I started to pray seriously for studying at a seminary school. It took a few years to find a suitable school. My husband also did not have a chance to do anything for the church and he could not quit drinking, smoking and taking medication.
Led to a seminary school
There was a mother who was a member of the Lord’s Cross Christian Center at the kindergarten where my son was attending. She invited me to come to a charismatic meeting. “Would you like to come to the coming meeting, to which Pastor A is coming?”
I knew Pastor A’s name because my pastor told me about him. My pastor suggested me to read his book. He also said that if God tells you to switch churches you should go to his church.
We never thought we would switch churches. My son was already in elementary school then and he liked it very much. We got to the church early in the morning and stayed until the evening meal, even after that he did not want go home. I too was busy with work at the church and weeks went by very quickly. I was very happy serving there but my husband had nothing to do there and so after the worship and following lunch he left.
There was no proper authority in our home then. God had mercy on me and He led me to attend the second charismatic meeting and I learned that their seminary school had started a half year ago.
Ah, God is leading me to this seminary school. I began to have a strong wish to study at this seminary school. The way they taught and what they taught were just like I had been wishing. I asked my husband and my pastor for permission and then entered the seminary school.
Switching the churches
I became very busy as a housewife and a student and also it was fulfilling. After six months since I started to study, the Lord started to tell me something while praying and reading the Bible. That was “switch your church.” I pushed the thought and kept it in a corner of my mind because I thought I caught the wrong idea or it’s an illusion. If though, it is from God I wanted to obey.
So then, I fasted one week and sought for His will and asked. He answered me “Leave…and go to the land I will show you.” Genesis 12: 1. So then I asked to Pastor N at The Lord’s Cross Christian Center’s seminary school, and he questioned me “what did your husband say about it?” I was not expecting a question just that he would accept me. He said “you need permission from your husband and your pastor.” I prayed and I asked my husband and he said we switch the church to TLCCC Fukuoka Church.
The former church pastor and the whole church sent us off with warm hearts.
Going to Israel as a family
God told me to go to Israel while I was doing morning devotion time in April 1994; I was taking the Overseas Mission class then. He told me three of us to take part in the mission trip. When I told my husband; he said let us pray about it. The next morning, three of us started to have an early-morning-prayer time together. We seriously prayed for going to Israel. It was thought to be almost impossible to have a permission to have vacation from his work but he got it and we were in Israel.
When I was praying at the Church of Peter’s calling near Galilee, the Lord said, “Come, follow me…I will make you fishers of men.” Matthew 4: 19. I understood a certain thing, that is my husband is the head of my family. My son and I simply should follow my husband. It was the first time I was told neither from God nor man. When someone called my name, Minami, they meant calling me not my husband. But now, the Lord had spoken clearly.
In spite of myself I asked to the Lord, “How can I do that?” The Lord answered me with the Scripture. “Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit.” Zechariah 4: 6.
When we came home from Israel my husband started to attend the seminary school. Not only that, it was very difficult for him to quit medication, drinking and smoking but with help from the Lord; he was able to quit.
It has been 13 years since then, my husband is a pastor now. There is nothing impossible for God. I give thanks to the Lord.
Anna Minami
From the monthly Magazine the Rainbow Between the Clouds February 2008 issue.
“…but your grief will turn to joy.” John 16: 20
“And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his Love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5: 5
God is Love.