This post is also available in: Japanese Portuguese (Brazil)
But I was tired of doing what I didn’t want to do. I was losing courage, and was not able to work any longer. If I couldn’t work, I would not be able to earn my living. I had no choice but die. I decided to die. But even though I tried to die, I couldn’t die.
I had never forgotten God. When I looked at myself by chance, I felt God speaking to me in a faint voice, “Come to Me.”
More than 10 years ago, I experienced the hardest difficulties in my life. It was a broken relationship with my boy friend. Before I had met him, I had not been able to love others, but he had woken me up to be able to love others. But I broke with him.
Before I had met him, I had felt that no one loved me. I used to go to church in those days, but I just attended the church service, and never fellowshipped with anyone. Looking back at myself later, I think that I had not been able to feel that God loves me, and He forgives me.
My boyfriend was also still immature mentally, and could not consider others in some aspects. So I felt sad about various things in my relationship with him, and at one time, I carelessly said to him, “Why don’t we break off?” He said nothing, and that’s it. Just after that, my heart was filled with agony.
I suffered from grief and regretted a lot because I had lost him, and I did not what to do. However, I also thought that it was God’s will that I broke off with him. Since it had not been His will for us to date each other, I suffered as a result of reaping what I had sowed. As I lived alone, I just stayed still in my room.
I could not do anything. I could not watch TV because it was noisy, and could not distract my mind by doing things. I felt that the time I spent was very long. I could only spend days as I was looking at the clock that I felt was not gaining. Several days later, I came to think that I needed to change my mind, and I went outside. But to me, everything looked as if it were covered with a veil.
I did not feel the world was real, and I did not know if I really lived. I felt as if I was floating up in the air. As time went by, I came to have courage to rebound. I went back to work, and at that time, in the eyes of people, I looked like I was doing fine.
I had never approached others to talk to, but I started to do that because I could not stand being alone. Kindness of people comforted me, but I was not satisfied with it only. When I came home, I could not stay alone, and I got bad friends, and started to play around. I just wanted friends whom I could play around with, and whom I didn’t have to share what I thought with.
I enjoyed myself for some time, but I I was tired of doing what I didn’t want to do. I was losing courage, and was not able to work any longer. If I couldn’t work, I would not be able to earn my living. I had no choice but die. I decided to die. But even though I tried to die, I couldn’t die. I had never forgotten God.
When I looked at myself in a mirror by chance, I felt God speaking to me in a faint voice, “Come to Me.” I wept. But I rejected that voice, and went back to playing around as I used to because I did not think that I would be able to live right again, but I could just lead a loose life. I got desperate, and played and played around. And I was exhausted both mentally and physically, and there was nothing I could do. Then I strongly felt in my heart as the following:
“I don’t want to lead such an empty life as this any longer. I want to lead a meaningful life.” I found my heart turning to God. I took a book and turned over the pages, and one word got my attention. “God loves you.” I felt that I received strength. Also, God reminded me of some scriptures.
“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” Luke 7:47
I realized that God deeply loves me: He accepts me although I am weak, and always watches over me. I am heartily thankful to God that He changed me so that I learned to love others, and love God. Hallelujah!
Kagayaki Saito, Hakodate Church
God is Love.